It's been a while....

Wow, more than a year gone and nothing to be said for it on this blog. I gave it up for loss but maybe there is life in this old gal yet.

Up to date:

August of 2010 we were blessed to get a house sitting position in East Dundee that took care of our finances enough to save for a home of our own! Jordan had to take a pay cut to get health insurance for us and that was a major cut in our lifestyle. Alas we prayed and God prevailed. We had been living in this arrangement until March of 2011.

As all of you who read or will be reading this blog a tragedy befell our family on December 6th. Dad Ferrell had a fatal sudden heart attack and went to be with our Lord that night. It has been the most devastating time in my life personally and to have such a major person ripped away is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. This has been the turning point in our lives thus far. We went from house sitting to owning in a matter of a month to be closer to mom and more accessible for her as well. We are handling and helping her with her financial affairs and seeing to it that we are able to squeeze the most out of our resources for her as possible. We are also still in charge of seeing the house sitting agreement through and are trying to set up home in our new place as well. We have our hands in many new responsibilities right now.

I am not going to lie. Life has been difficult. More so than I ever imagined. We always have had hard times but this trumps anything life changing. Positive life changes are hard, but ones like this you never fully recover from. You learn a new type of normal. And, somehow you have to figure out a way to not hate that new normal for not being the old normal way of life.

I often look on our new normal and think what would Dad say about how we are doing? Is he proud? Sad? Would he do it all better? "Of course," I hear whispered to me, "But alas he isn't here to do it", is the resounding answer I always get to my questions. So I pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward.

I thought I was grown up when I got married. Then I found out I was a fool once I gave birth to my first and second child. Then again I was tempted to call myself a grown up and Dad passed away. I have fully given into the fact that I will never be a "grown up". Because saying that in my mind means that God is finished teaching me. I will never be there. I will never have the right answer. And I now know that it is only through the grace of God that I make it through my days unscathed. I have no idea how God has been so patient with me all these years to hear all my prideful talk, thinking I was a grown up and responsible. I must have sounded like a brat.

I can at least say that is no longer the case. I am on my face daily and pride is no longer in my vocabulary. It is a scarry and sad thing to have Dad gone from our lives. There are times of utter panic when something fails in my home or we have a financial crisis. Dad was our handyman, financial advisor, biblical scholar, advice columnist... you get the picture. He is missed and needed more than ever right now. We have no idea what we are doing half the time but praying along the path that God protects us from wrong decision making and guides us to the path he deems appropriate for us.

I often wonder how I would be doing if I had no faith. And the answer is too scary to contemplate for more than a minute. I can not imagine life without a fail safe. At the very least each night Jordan and I can say, "Well, at least we have God. He'll always have our back." And that is also at the very most of which we can boast. We are learning what faith means.

It is not to dumbly walking in a way we think is right, but prayerfully and painstakingly tiptoeing carefully, asking God all along the road, "Is this right?"

Gone are the days of frivolity. They lay in waste to responsibility and fear of doing something wrong or out of God's favor. We cross our T's and dot our I's and at the end of each day thank God for giving us the will, determination, and stamina to handle each new day. Really if you think about it that's all we can do. It is all in His hands and who are we to say otherwise?

So if you are reading this and thinking on our family, pray for us. We are fearfully and prayerfully taking on each new day and need all the prayers of hope and support you can give. They are the most welcome gift anyone could give us.